bite me

2008-09-17T23:17:00.002+08:00

i know i've not touched this in years.
but this is just post worthy.
just my thoughts. nothing fancy.

one year later.
tulips.
you woke up early to send me to school.
wall e.
you woke up from your nap to catch the next movie.
garibaldi.
you were willing to try new things and werent at all stingy.
you sent me home, then went home to return the car and took a bus back to school.

i enjoyed every single moment with you.
i cannot thank you enough.
for reminding me how blessed i am.
i appreciate your sacrifices, your time, and your love.

happy first year.
i'm glad we made it.

[143]

2008-04-09T13:12:00.001+08:00

for all you out there who need a laugh.
enjoy:)

2008-03-23T22:09:00.002+08:00

because i've never really fought for what i wanted.
because you're not the same as everyone else.
because i'm stubborn.
because i've still got to try.
because i'd more scared of being without.
because i'm not ready.
because of all the whatifs.
because i'm comfortable for once.

because we can.

try again ok?

2008-03-10T22:39:00.002+08:00

thank you everybody!!
mom and dad for a..erm..interesting present.haha.and my family for dinner!!
ragdancer 07 for the "surprise" cake session!i think it's amazing how you all still make time for this.and i hope we'll have many many more ugly cake eating sessions together!
blast ppl for the cake and jacket.
hellohu, camerachia, funnyfoo for the most successful surprise.and for making that day worth remembering.i love you guys.
MIX!for the lovely surprise on friday!and the laughters and the memories and the real friendships:)
my beloved churchies for the attempted surprise.i've known some of you for ages and i was reminded of how blessed i am.
and of course to those who bother to send a text or msg through facebook and friendster, i'm very very grateful for each one.

well wad did i do on my birthday?
lab report till 630 in the morning.
exciting.

*for those of you who thought finally a decent normal post, sorry you cant escape the emoness..it lives on*

are you happy?
at this instant?
with me?
it has to be now and not in the future.
if it doesnt happen now what makes you think it will later?
so i'll play it your way.i wont get in your way.
you can call or msg when you're free.
maybe we'll meet to catch up over lunch one day.
but for now i'll have to try to get use to not hoping or wishing for anything.
i resign.you win.

2008-02-17T02:09:00.002+08:00

there are happy moments
good memories.

16feb08
pastabravia

gorgeous fancy place
delicious awesome food
nice appropriate music
good helpful service

and you.

greatly appreciative

143.

2008-02-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

disclaimer: everything written here is only my side of the story.

so it might be blown out of proportion.

make no mistake.

next to me.but somewhere else.

sacrifices at your convenience.

reassurance for jealousy.

willingly falling into the vicious cycle.

i am backup.

plan B.

reserve.

might as well.

second best.

replacement.

slowly building up my wall of pride again.

dont tell me.

show.

prove it's worth feeling again.

otherwise, i'm resigned to waiting it out.

like i do all the time.

2008-02-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

2008-02-01T16:00:00.000+08:00

ever heard of the saying:
when you're at your lowest there's nowhere else to go but up

well i dont exactly think it's a saying but it should be.haha
i think i make good sayings.

it's very strange to cry in the afternoon cuz den you cant just go to sleep.

things are only as bad as you make it out to be.

everybody will be broken at least once.

when you dont know wad to do, eat a chocolate cookie and smile.
when you really dont know wad to do, eat many chocolate cookies.
that way you'll get fat and have something to do.like jog.

if a song makes you emo and causes you to cry, do NOT put it on repeat.

be the first to laugh at your silliness before anyone else does.

your misfortune can serve as empathy.

for more wise sayings, stay tuned cuz my emo rampage has just begun:)

uoy fo ksa i lla si taht

2008-01-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

i have been like a monk.
a monk who goes away every night to train in my discipline.
a monk who silently shares the sufferings and pain with fellow monks.
a monk who was isolated from everyone for 2 weeks plus.
a monk who is a christian(????)

HAIYA i have busy dancing like crazy for the past few weeks preparing for funkamania 2008.
on the 20th of jan was the prelims at central forum.
a big THANKYOU to

- debbie, amelia pretty, han solo, jamie for coming ALL the way down.we got a picture this time!
- weilong and sharon for lilies! celine for makeup! na for just being you! all the screams from the blast ppl.
- my dear hoopsider: jinglin, lina, becky, mel, shanshan, leron for sharing this with me.

never in my wildest dreams did i expect to get into the top 10 out of 31 freaking strong teams.
so praise be to God.

den there was finals at youth park 27th jan.
another big THANKYOU to

- sharon for coming despite the heavy rain at boonlay!and weilong. celine for paying 9 dollars for parking! all the other supportive blast ppl.
- my beloved rag dancers 06 AND 07! am very very touched.

no we didnt win but we sure as hell didnt lose either.
would i have done it all over again and drag myself through all tt torture? yes.

funny how some songs take the words right out of your mouth?

Been sitting thinking bout you and I
And wondering why were not getting along
So frustrated cause, what we had was a happy home
I don't know what the situation is, but I can tell in the way we kiss
We don't talk no more, it feels better when I’m alone

Sometimes I feel like there's no gettin through to you
Like you don't appreciate all that I do
you gotta show me that you want me to stay
Don't turn and walk away
Baby I’m slowly falling out of love with you
I don't know what to do
How did we end up here this way, what are we gonna do
I’m slowly falling out, baby we're tripping off silly things
Boy I need you to meet me half way, if you want me to be with you

I remember when, I be with my friends
You checked on me and made time to call
But how things have changed
Now I don't hear from you at all

maybe you were right from the start.
maybe i cant handle your busy schedule.
"it's unhealthy"
but we'll keep at it right?

2008-01-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

i'm not pessimistic.
i just dont expect too much.
or rather i expect the worst.
but i do hope for anything better.
still there'll always be those i-told-you-so times.
den i wished i hadnt been dumb enough to hope for better.
cuz i'd start hating myself.
den again i get disappointed easily because i expect a lot.

wait

i just said i dont expect much.
maybe i just expect more.
for myself.

do you understand?
i dont think so.

SEE!i really hope you understand but still i kinda know you just wont get it.
and thus wishful thinking is a bitch.

and so i'm pmsing
but that's NOT THE FREAKING POINT.

"it's not your fault.it's not mine.we just dont belong together.we should stop fighting that."

"my hand is getting cold."

classic i'd say.CLASSIC.

i did the laundry today.

guess i cant help feeling that deep down inside, you're still searching and waiting.

2007-11-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

A How-to Guide:
How to Deal with Esther.

today we shall discuss situations.

when you want to make Esther happy and not annoyed:
dont provoke her, pamper her.

when Esther's already annoyed:
dont pretend she's not, pacify her.

when Esther isn't fully satisfied yet which would be when she's highly irritable:
dont piss her off again, please her.

if in doubt, assume worst case scenario.
three simple lessons for application.
till next time.thank you.

2007-11-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

FINALLY, a regular entry.
so no, you dont have to worry about thinking too much just to make sense of my words.

three words.
wee wee weeeeee.

reasons:
wee 1) WE GOT THIRD! for the anti-smoking dance competition(finals) held today at far east.
the competition was strong and the fact that we were prob the only non-mat/mina team, made us stand out a lot.which i suppose played to our advantage.and i choose to believe God answered our prayers ;)

wee 2) who else would i have imagined sharing my first competition with than MIX!wuahaha.thank you weilong for your patience and this opportunity to learn yr choreo.thank you rahman for travelling with me!and for making laugh.thank you GIRLS!mamasan sham and sharonash for the many many many therapeutic sharing sessions.you guys have no idea how much you've helped just by listening to me whine.and mostly for keeping dance fun.

weeeeee 3) to those who bothered to stand in really weird places just to watch us and show your support, i am but very very grateful.especially to those who stuck around or came back even though there was a 4hr delay.churchies: debbie, joshua, hansolo, joyce, russell, claire, ian (hope i didnt leave anyone out) i am very touched that you guys really came to show your support although that must've been an unfamiliar and intimidating crowd to be around.and i didnt even get to take pictures with you guys!blastards: hazel, idil, leron, grace, lionel (get well soon!), chun, fred, john, liren, erwin, joot, roz, caleb and definitely far from last, kelvin.thanks for your support, your shouts and screams, your encouragements, your faith in us.inspired.i'm truly blessed to have such friends.

now i have to study :(
my back hurts.
whinewhinewhine.

*2 months now. it's been crazy but no regrets.
i thank God for you.
i thank God for lilies too :))
we'll make this work.
the three of us.
you, me and God.

[grateful]

2007-11-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

"you just deserve better"

"do you honestly think it'll get better?"

err.

you know those things that irk you?
i mean hate is a strong word to use.
yea well, i have a list of 10 things i HATE.

1) roaches
2) exams i'm not prepared for
3) self-righteous people who really dont think they are so since they're on a morale pedestal
4) people who live only for themselves as if the world revolves around them
5) people who define themselves by their achievements and are just plain shallow
6) people who not only cannot respect the views of others but wont even hear them out
7) people who need acknowledgement, approval, popularity
8) people who, after reading the above, get defensive instead of self-reflecting
9) acne
10) rats

oh how i could just go on.
but how ironic.
therein lies the fact that i am very much like these people i hate to have thought this way.

oh no.

2007-11-08T00:57:00.000+08:00

to all you who cringe at the thought of a mighty emo post.
do not read on.you have been warned.

must we always wait till something goes wrong before putting in the effort?
or do we assume status quo without having to do much?
i cling on to every single time we make up.
but it's hard not to think about how brief tt'll last.

how many more times will i be disappointed?
how many more times will you be sorry?

is this really trivial?
but the fact tt i place a lot of importance on it, isnt tt enough to make it matter to you?

time.
i guess i dont fit into your schedule?

attention.
you're always busy.so i guess tt's not possible either?

priority.
as long as you're free and it's convenient.

i might be wrong.but you arent doing anything to make me think otherwise.

i keep hoping one day i wont have to cry, to pretend.
tt the hard times in the beginning would mean tt things can only get better.
but you somehow manage to make me doubt tt.
time and again.

i dont know what i'm holding on to.
why i'm holding on.
and if i really should.

2007-10-21T22:17:00.000+08:00

thank you

thank you for the surprise, for proving me wrong
thank you for the lily, for remembering
thank you for the earphones! for going through all the trouble

thank you for the effort
thank you for trying real hard

thank you

:)

[that perfect "aww" moment]

2007-10-18T01:09:00.000+08:00

i would very much like to stop feeling this way.

please dont make me.

please

2007-10-14T15:24:00.000+08:00

(in reference to the previous post)

i guess it's all a matter of give and take.

there's a difference with being accomodating and being carried by the nose though.
and then there's also forgiveness and second chances.
i mean it'll be difficult to believe someone's trying when you keep bringing up the past right.

ohwells.
is it worth it?
at least for last night it was.
i'm glad you enjoyed yourself:)

very FULLerton.

.happybirthday.

2007-10-13T18:37:00.000+08:00

times like this i wonder

is it really worth it?
why try so hard?
too hard?
what for?

[toolatetoapologize]

literally

but you dont have to know.

2007-10-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

lo and behold
another emo post.

simin said i'm the type who can hide my feelings all too well.

so here.
this is me:

i detest feeling like i'm in second place.
disgusted at the thought that you might be settling for second choice just cuz it's easier.
annoyed when i dont get your undivided attention.
hurt that you take for granted me being "fine" with everything.
crashed that i cant seem to trust you enough.
angry with myself cuz i get worked up over the littlest things.
apprehensive that you don't care as much as i do.
unconvinced that you'd give up as much as i would.
vexed at my own insecurity and dependence.
shit scared that i might be freaking you out now.

because you see,
i'm willing to do anything even you might find stupid just because i know it'll make you happy.
give you priority even though it's unnecessary.
worry excessively just so you know i bother.
get jealous over the slightest things.
and den impel myself to think it's insignificant.
take extra care to ensure you don't ever doubt me.
wait for you.
give you up if that makes you happier.
and den wait for you still.

see,
i am very extreme.
i think too much?
but even so tt excuse cant mask insecurity.
pathetic.
ridiculous.
imprudent if you must.
now that you know, can you handle it?
wad are you gonna do about it?

nothing

everyone's got problems of their own.
i'm not gonna be a liability.
i dont wish to burden anyone.
so i'll deal with me.

no, i dont hide my feelings.
i just manage them the way i know best.
screw it.
shut up.

2007-09-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

it's a nice concept.
this idea we have is good.
doubtful.
convenience?
currently highly irritable.
sincerely concerned?
pride over protection.
insecurity.
what's the difference?
how important?
taken for granted.
oversensitive.
suppression.
not sure how to feel.
you dont want to find out.

that night, you saw Mars.
i saw heaven.
a perfect moment.
clinging on to what you said.
as if you really meant it.

try

[nretnalkcalb]

2007-09-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

170907

so it's finally happened.
i should be happy.
i am.right?

i'm confused.
i dont know wad i want.

insecured.

i need assurance.
confirmation.
not just in word.

you said you're willing to sacrifice.
i'm not sure i see it.

[with or without you]

2007-08-04T21:51:00.000+08:00

Emotions come and go

Who knows how the wind will blow

There's so little in this world to trust in

Seduce themselves with lies

Some don't realize

They call it love but it's really only lustin'

So you see you and me
We're gettin close to the danger zone
Show me how tell me now
Should I stay or should i go
Cause I'm caught between yes and no

'Cause when you kiss me
I feel everything that I been missing
I try to slow down but my heart won't listen
And it's tearin me all up inside
And when you touch me
I feel a rush but I'm afraid that it might crush me
Should I put my trust in somethin' I don't trust in
I try to run but there's no place to hide
'Cause baby kisses don't lie

You whisper in my ear
But are your words sincere
Cause pretty words can cut just like a knife
You see I'm nobody's fool
I play by my own rules
So please think twice before you step into my life

2007-07-11T21:51:00.000+08:00

They say...

If you love something, let it go,
And if it comes back then that’s how you know.

Can somebody help me?
To help me get out of this circle.

i guess it's better this way
:)

i said i'd try and i always keep my word.

2007-07-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

i bumped into an old friend on the way home today.
he used to be one of the prominent youths at church.
"now i have sunday mornings free!"he chuckled.

will i ever stop going to church?
besides i know i'm just going through the motions.
when was the last time i did qt?
or prayed?

where are you, God?
do you really want me back?
even after knowing i'll stray far again?

disgusted.
loathe.

helpless.
desperate.

2007-07-06T20:16:00.000+08:00

this is gonna be a quick and brief update.

went and came back from scamp!
really fun being a snr for shikra and losing my voice at massdance:)
pictures will be up when i get them.
it's the period now when i reflect on the time one year ago when i was a freshman.
hopefully we did well enough as seniors to make the freshmen feel as comfortable as we were.

dxo performance was great!
gosh wad could be better den performing with you closest friends who just happen to be excellent dancers.heh.
we brought sexy back!

rag trng has started.
means hours of sleepless night getting the choreo and song.
and den settling the dancers and their committment.
i really wish they'd come to know how important and impactful joining rag dance is.
once a ragger always a ragger.
once a rag dancer always a rag dancer.
it's one of those things noone explains but everyone who experienced it understands.
and not one regrets.
we said we'll be back last year.
and now we really are.

performed at whitley sec sch for their assembly.
i never knew typical sch gangsters really existed!
and i kept thinking.how different we were.

akangdatang:
- DR
- Dancetitude
- Vietnam!
- more rag
- blast! chalet
- Christmas production

=honestly, are you sure you're emotionally unattached?=

2007-06-22T00:03:00.000+08:00

science camp is soooon!
and dancing has been good to me!
but they're just activities.

what an apt song to dance to at caleb's class today.
what options do i have now?really.let's not be naiive.

Want to, but I can't help it
I love the way you feel
just kinda stuck between my fantasy and what is real
I need it when I want it
I want it when I don't
tell myself "I'll stop" every day
knowing that I won't

I got a problem and I
don't know what to do about it
even If I did I don't know
If I would quit but I doubt it, I’m
takin' by the thought of it

And I know this much is true baby you
have become my addiction
I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move
but I like it
and it's all because of you
and it's all because never get enough she’s the sweetest drug

aint no doubt.so strung out.
over you

2007-06-10T02:30:00.000+08:00

because everybody needs to hear him.

2007-06-04T16:21:00.000+08:00

well i'm back from vietnam.yes, again.
and i guess this warrants a post.

and that is how i make up lame excuses.

omg lame.who uses that word should be shot.

and so.
went to vietnam over the weekend for my friends' graduation.
natalie, richie, dustin, wren, and others.
they're one year my jnr and exactly one year ago i promised that i'd be back for their graduation.and i was.
they had it at the opera house.grand sia.
we had ours in the stinky cafeteria.
they had flowers to give to their parents.
we played a song from a cd.
they had a much improved band play pomp and circumstance and ode to joy.
we had a sad ass band try and play pomp and circumstance and ode to joy.
they had a decent programme sheet.
we had photocopied recycled paper.
they could throw their hats upwards.
we had to throw our forwards cuz the ceiling was three inches above our heads.we did manage to hit a couple of teachers though.

but

they had more graduates.
and we had an awesome afterparty.

to the graduates: there is life outside vietnam. and it's only just begun.

met up with my ex classmates and went to this new club called volcano.
i miss my rich friends.wuaha.
also met up with the youth group ppl.

and believe it or not.
i like spending time with my parents.
and i do miss them.

how do i choose between them and dance?
do i have to in the first place?

"so many things i gotta know the answers to"
- PS I'm Still Not Over You--Rihanna

2007-05-24T16:44:00.000+08:00

and so this is the day.
when all the lying wont work anymore.
well i knew it would come but still.

i guess it's better this way.

but you still want the best of both worlds?

there's nothing to hold on to.

2007-05-23T23:22:00.000+08:00

YOU KNOW WHAT?
ok you dont.if you did i wouldnt have to tell you.
so why do we always ask.

anyway.one word.
RASHES.
omgomgomg.
i had rashes on my neck and back in vietnam(refer to previous post)
and den it all cleared by the time i boarded the plane.
BUT den this morning i woke up and i was COVERED in A LOT of BIG RED patches.
never seen it sooooo bad before.
and this time it was on my arms, legs, back, front, neck.even my toes!
so i went to see a doc.
he gave me jab and prescibed new and stronger pills.
he said it wasnt contageous.
i went home to sleep and when i got up it was MUCHHH better.
almost all gone.
so i went for blast.
and EVERYTHING cleared after practice
only to have the rashes break out after lepaking with the krazies.
and this time it was on my face!
thanks so much sharon, rahm and weilong for caring!!

anyway now i'm home and it's not getting better.
the thing i hate most about this is that you never know if you're really cured and when it'll just break out again.

ROARRRR.
i hate rashes.
make them go away.

2007-05-22T22:59:00.000+08:00

all ye faithful readers of my blog.
I'M BACK!

from vietnam that is.
went with janice, grams and grandaunt.
the new place is nice but out of the way.
and hcmc is getting expensive.relative NOT to singapore though.
hmm.went to muine too!
anyone going to viet MUST go there.

but den on the day i was to fly back i broke out in rashes and ran a temp.
but thank God i recovered quick.
oh well i'll be back there soon.

got reminded how vietnam's culture is just so different.
but who am i to be ethnocentric right.
den again singaporeans arent the most pleasant people either.

things i got:
- star tees for dance ppl
- belt out of compulse
- hair clip for erm. clipping hair
- altered a pair of three-quart jeans
- made two copies of three-quarts
- heels cuz i felt bad for trying every single pair in the shop
- slippers cuz i felt like bargaining
- gum cuz i always get gum
- bra!cuz it was nice.
- shades cuz the lady was only willing to lower the price if we bought more den one
- a haircut cuz it was only 3 dollars
- nails done for fun
- massages cuz something is very wrong with my right foot.cant walk properly
- slightly tanned at the awesome beach at muine
- cheap and gooooood jap food at my favorite jap restaurant
- great and cheap seafood
- sand in my pants from the sand dunes.ha
- visibly fatter

okay i'm tired and not feeling too good.
it's funny how i dont blog as much when i actually have the time to.
majulah singapura!
RANDOMNESS PLEASE.

2007-05-10T16:30:00.000+08:00

somehow when you have the time to blog.
you dont.
it's different.
like weilong and rahm feel toward youtube watching.
hahaha.

anyway i am but bored.
it's the holidays now.

okay an update would be apt now:
-papers are over and tt's all that matters.
the WHOLE year one of uni life.wow.
that was fast.
-been slacking BECAUSE I CAN.
not even bothered to go out.
-been shopping!with the krazies.
and i've FINALLY got them black skinnys.
-got a LOT of clothes from debbie.
and nope.not ashamed one bit tt i'd live off her:)
-got fishieses!MANYMANYMANY.
so hopefully the impact wouldnt tt bad when one dies.
which happens.often.
-got the wireless router thanks to david dearest.
but it's just the router cuz i dont have the cables to configure my com.
-went for the science camp briefing.
and boy what a surprise to find out i was made aogl.
wuaha together with ah pek as ogl.
we're so gonna die.

ok and den i'll be away in vietnam with jan from the 14th to 22nd of may.
maybe na and mo too?
and den again in june and july.
somehow this 3 month break doesnt seem that long anymore.

things to accomplish:
-lose weight.say 5 to 8 kg.
-change my hairstyle.
-dance dance dance
-watch movies.namely pirates, fantastic 4...
-tan

dont think i'd accomplish much but hey, everyone knows goals are good.
and yes i'd like very much to just spend time with anyone i've not been able to much during term.
so come come dont be shy.
holla at.

2007-04-26T14:30:00.000+08:00

-Makes Me Wonder-

i still dont have a reason
and you dont have the time
and it really makes me wonder
if i ever gave a *pause* bout you

give me something to believe in
cuz i dont believe in you anymore, anymore
i wonder if it even makes a difference
it even makes a difference to try

and you tell me how you're feeling
but i dont believe it's true anymore, anymore
i wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
so this is goodbye

i've been here before
one day a week
and it wont hurt anymore

you caught me in a lie
i have no alibi
the words you say dont have a meaning

---

catchy song i see myself singing to at kbox.
and no my papers arent over just yet.
ending on the 3rd of may.
so i guess this would constitute wasting time.

on a more serious note:
uncle fred passed this morning.
somehow it doesnt feel real.
as if we could still go carolling at their house.
or see him greeting everyone so warmly at the main entrance of the sanctury.
maybe he could be the minister of my wedding, just like my he was for my parents.
but i'm glad i knew him.
and i bet he's been as much a role model and inspiration to everyone he had met as he was to me.
and i'll always remember what he said before i got baptised:)

2007-04-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

it amazes me how much people feel.

we've all had moments.

moments of anguish that brought forth ceaseless tears.
you cried out, in desperation, for anyone, anything to stop your pain.

infuriation that evoked such recklessness, that summoned the monster in you.

terror that struck so hard you started to disregard rational thought.
you were beside yourself in fear.

passion that pushed your boundaries.
you escaped into your fantasies and for that moment, they became reality.

happiness, no. euphoria that made you believe you could take on the world.
you wished you could stop time then.

confusion that left you flustered.
you lost sight of everything in your disorientation.

callousness that resulted in doubts about your very humanity.
but then again you really couldn't care less.

but have you ever loved unconditionally, absolutely?
that it wouldn't bother you the slightest if it were unrequited.
that you felt like you could sacrifice anything, everything.
and you did.
and it doesn't matter that it was all in vain.

well i don't think i have.
although i'd like too.
i'm too human.too scared.too apprehensive.

see, what's the point in having a heart to feel anything if you use your brain to govern everything?
so am i saying that we should just rip our hearts out and stop feeling altogether?
no.

i don't know LA.
cuz my brain's not functioning and my heart's stopped feeling.

2007-04-14T11:24:00.000+08:00

DENG.

it's never been a good thing.unless i had to go swimming.
but not now!
no wonder i've been so tired and sluggish as of late.
hmm wait.i'm always sluggish.
ANYWAY.
studying requires you to sit on your ass for long periods (oh pun)
and this is NOT comfortable.
go away deng.

i should study.
i will.later.
serious!
at the airport.

letsgooutandplay.
andlaughastimepasses.

2007-04-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

and it's here again.

the dreaded exam period.
dreaded in which sense for most people would mean having to study like no tomorrow.
well i dont think they can quite differentiate one day from the next.
it's all a blur.
the airconditioning in the library is cold.

but see to me.
i dread it because it's also my depressed period.
and i dont know why.
depressing isnt it.
maybe it's because i know i should study but i dont.
like now.
when i do i start to hate everything i'm studying.
maybe it's because i see how others are so stressed and i cant do anything about it.

or maybe the house has become very quiet.
i dont like quiet.not usually.
mom and dad are busy getting robbed in vietnam.
korkor is busy annoying poor kuanmei with timbaland songs.
cheche sleeps quite early now.
i guess i'm homesick.

i procrastinate.
i use horse shampoo.

i wish we could be like we were before

[wemaynotbemorethanfriends.butwe'renothinglesseither]

2007-03-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

The Cathay.Stomp The Yard.Long Sleeves Day.

we meant take a picture of sharon and i you kukus.

"weilong dont make my legs look fat!"

"esther close your legs!"

ssssstomp the yard!

i brought a camera so must take pictures wad.

Dance Uncensored '07

"where's esther again?"

kelvin and alvan not knowing how else to pose.

wedding picture 1:sharon's dream.

wedding picture 2:weilong's dream.

"linda linda take picture!"

how does uncle jacky get two girls in his arms all the time?

BLAST PICTURE!

siaozhabohs "chelly chelly long cham pus"

alvan and prop(flowers, not me)

rahbandung aka quasibodoh and i doing what we do best:
riding on the east-west line.

"let's not wait for sharon"

they danced really hard

someone please give us better poses

awwwwin

2007-03-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

"clouds in my coffee"

getting too comfortable.
too familiar.

so i guess it has to stop now.
before it's becomes
too late.

"who's your next victim?"

but i'm not strong enough
somehow i would like to carry on
pretending.
hoping.

"it's not what you say, it's what you do"

HAIYA.
pride is the only thing in the way
of anything concrete happening.

"i bet you think this song is about you"

still
i'd like something real.
something more.

because i'm better than that.

2007-03-24T01:32:00.000+08:00

he[x]

a group of six of us from tkgs.
real people.real friends.

it's not like i cant have fun without them.
or that i feel guilty if i do enjoy myself with other people.
we've all changed in some ways.
made new friends.

but we havent lost anything.
not us.
i'm blessed to have you girls.
after so long.
we dont see each other so often.
or even talk.
but whenever we do it feels right again.
comfortable.

not everyone can say this.
but i can.
i've got 5 friends who'll be there till forever.

so to he[x]:
yenchyi, minhui, rachel, laipeng and sheena
i miss you and i love you.

always ster.

2007-03-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

because i'm sick of photobucket i shall upload pictures here:

MONSTER

fareast.bubbletea.haircuts.neoprints.

he[x] sans laipeng

chel na and me

mo and chyi

vaguely familiar

it has become part of us.

joy.

i still cant tell the difference.

we can so sit on that thing la.

SENTOSA WITH CHURCHIES

okay fine debbie looks nicer with HER shades.

we really had to wait damn long cuz hubbie and jues got lost.

boys will be boys

ultimate guniang

ultimate taitai

we insist on getting a tan at 5pm.

happy three friends

who's the camwhore now.

how i fell and am scarred for life.joshua too. he WILL be scarred for life.

nickyyyy

courtesy of tim who's always behind the camera.

tim, this is artistic.not random.

the million faces of nicky

we thanked God sarah wasnt driving.

debbie's actually a good driver when her hair is fixed.

candid you say?

enough la

debbie and sarah

i'm not sure what this is supposed to be.

what would i do without you.erm not get into an accident.

cant wait to relive the days at siglap plain!

2007-03-22T20:50:00.000+08:00

bloodyroaringknschitoadchelichelilongchampus
i am pissed.
at my own stupidity.
i just got robbed of $65.
seriously.
apparently i agreed to buy some royal jelly shiat.
see they called when i was sleeping so i guess i grunted half the time.
and they really came to my hse LA!
i decided to just pay cuz my grandma was getting into a fit.
so now i have a bottle of Eternal Youth Royal Jelly.

WHAT THE HELL IS ROYAL JELLY?
damn expensive honey.
and i dont even know if it's the real thing.

lesson: dont pick up the phone when you're sleeping unless you know who's calling.

i know
the longer it drags the harder it gets
more complicated

so i must stop it now
but do i really want to?
what's wrong with me?

and i'd love to blame it on you but.

i need exclusivity.
closure.

2007-03-15T22:48:00.000+08:00

seriously.

i lie to myself.

big lies.very big.

let's hope i dont end up hating myself for this.
though i think i already do.

"it was good while it lasted"

headstrong.

"everything's mind over matter"

"this is THE ideal situation!"

is it, minhui?

2007-03-12T13:33:00.000+08:00

ROAR

2007-03-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

OH GOSH
i'm exhausted.
chingay is finally over.den i wish it wasnt.
hiphop nite is over too.
photos are up:
http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y277/sterrr/nus/chingay/

i think i'm getting myself into a big mess
but i proceed

please stop

howell it's my birthday tmr.
and i've got papers tmr, the next day and the day after.
oh joy.

let me indulge--wishlist:
-nothing cute
-nothing impractical
-money is always good
-a meal is fine
-nice multipurpose bag
-shoes!(for dance or heels)
-clothes
-bling belt
-your time

uoy fo erac ekat em tel

2007-02-19T14:20:00.000+08:00

[WalkAway]

I saw you wit your new girl just yesterday

And I feel that I must confess

Even though it kills me to have to say

I'll admit that I was impressed

Physically just short of perfection

Gotta commend you on your selection

Though I know I shouldn't be concerned

In the back of my mind I can't help but question..

Guess I gotta live my life from day to day

Hoping maybe you'll come back

And though I tell myself not to be afraid

To move on but it seems I can't

Though a new man has given me attention

It ain't the same as your affection

Though I know I should be content

In the back of my mind I can't help but question...

I'm gonna remember you

You gonna remember me

The things we did, the way we shared our fantasies

Just you and me

My friend, My love, My family

How did we lose a love that seemed meant to be?

Sometimes I kiss her

And wish that it was you I'm kissing

Sometimes I miss him

And wish that it was you i'm missing

Sometimes I hug her

And wish that it was you I was huggin'

And I realize how much i'm buggin'

[DoingTooMuch]

See you got me all alone

Waiting right here by the phone for you to call me

Just to hear your voice tone

I keep on wondering if you was even feeling meI

keep on wondering if this was even meant to be

Tell me am I wasting time

Boy you showing me no sign

Is it 'cause you on your grind

'cause you're always on my mind

I keep on wondering if everything you said was true

I keep on wondering if you were really coming through

Now here I go again blowing you up

And my girlfriends keep telling me I'm doing too much

I'm out with my girls tryna have a good time

And you know I'm looking fly tryna meet some other guys

But it gets hard sometimes 'cause there ain't no one just like you

I try my best but I can't shake this thing you got me going through

All I can picture is the color of your eyes

And the way you make me smile

I ain't felt this in a while but I came to a conclusion that this is pure illusion

Chaos and confusion but I'm not gonna let it ruin

The way I feel about myself 'cause I got self-esteem

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just chasing a fantasy

2007-02-11T18:50:00.000+08:00

been dancing every day since last sunday
and i dont recall coming home before 12 this week.

had a performance on sat.
dont think it went very well.
but i love you cheongsam fighters!
and we'll pull through ya.

and den there was chingay.
oh gosh.
i wonder where i get the energy sometimes.
only by God's grace huh.
come down and party on the 23rd and 24th of feb yea.

went blading today with the churchies!
was really fun.
and yes i'm sorry for screaming so loud and cutting off blood circulation in some of y'all's arms:)

exhausted.

sometimes i wonder if i'm being oversensitive.
or unrealistic.
or just emo.
but i do wish that you'd be the last one.

i'm my biggest obstacle.

2007-01-31T21:24:00.000+08:00

i need to study.
really.
someone make me study please.

i ate a maggot in soci tutorial.
i played the gamelan.

i feel like eating chakwayteow.

i dont wish to get my hopes up.
but i do wish for something.
yet i dont wish to make a fool of myself.

i wish i could stop thinking so much.

STOP IT ESTHER.

2007-01-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

mom's home!

and yes korkor wedding is nearing.

i'll miss him.
annoying old him.
but yup.
no one to pick me from mrt.
send me to church.
sing irritating songs with.
laugh at names and make fun of people with.

HAnyway.
i wanna go visit vietnam.
anyone interested?
pls tell me asap.

-=thetargethasbeenset(:=-

2007-01-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

i've been dancing.
quite a bit.

and i neglect everything else?
everyone else?

selfish?
but den i'd appreciate a little understanding.

when ppl get emo.
i get frustrated.
den emo.

i want something to look forward to.
someone?

just for the sake of it.

2007-01-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

hmmm.
i need to get a lot of things done soon.
1) get chingay clothes: hot pink top?
2) get textbooks: anyone has IT text?
3) get shoes for kor's wedding: to match off-white dress
4) get hongbao box and thank you cards: therefore meet don
5) get my ipod: back from repair
6) get organized: cuz i'm not

so far everything's just a rush.
i'd like to settle down.
and yes, maybe in more ways den one.

can anybody out there hear me
cuz i cant seem to hear myself

[losing my way]

2007-01-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

YES

i am alive and well.thank you for your concern.
i'll just start cuz there's sooo much to say.

EXAMS

over and sucked.

results are out and they suck worse.

well could be worse.and i shouldnt have expected much either.

please dont ask how i did.

CLUBBING

went for a couple of parties.

vj post prom at DXO.

sarah dearest and i crashed the vj prom itself.

are we cool or what.

and here what does not refer to pathetic.

nic's birthday at dblO and MOS.

i still dont pay for entry.and drinks.

but i guess i'm not gonna club as much.

HOLIDAY

went to melbourne with my folks.

fell really sick on the plane ride there.

and remained sick till now.

but it was good.

got to visit family friends.

and now i'd like an ang moh husband and 5 children.

peter's 5 children were just gorgeous angels.really.

and anni was the prettiest girl i've ever seen.

BLAST!

i came back from aus 4am 18th dec.

and den i went for blast camp 5pm 18th dec.

but it was so worth it.

had A LOT of fun.

and yes we danced from 8 in the morning till 3 the next.

CHRISTMAS

family dinner.

i like it that way.

simple.

COPTHORNE
the girls and i had a room at copthorne for the 30th to 31th dec.

what can i say.it's been six years and i'm just so in love with you guys.
took a hundred pictures.literally.

and suffered through korean boyband songs.

WENT TO ZOUK IN FBTS!

sneaked to the lobby for 2 free breakfasts!

just the way i'd like to end my year.

WATCHNIGHT

went to church for the countdown.

and den to east coast with the churchies.
it's great we can still do this year after year.

NOKIA
peggy was desperately in need of dancers.

so she called and asked me to dance with the illers.

for nokia's Nseries press launch.

yes i'd get paid.

so decided to join.

little did i know we'd be dancing to punk rock

wad in the world is a punk rock dance?

we were just madly jumping and hopping around.
much to the dismay of the organizers.

but what the hell.

i had fun.

and the band from texas was really nice.

the greyskulls. pictures will be up.

preview:

weilong and ilovemyhair-me
and that was my first day of school.HEH

CHINGAY

chingay practices have started.

it's fun cuz half the dancers are from blast!

but trying to be an ic isnt always fun?

at least weilong seems more responsible:)

let's just try to make it through till the final performance.

SCHOOL

yes it only started this week.

and i'm sooo busy.

taking 2 core modules: biodiversity and biostats

intro to computing

intro to sociology and old and new music in SE asia with rahman!

hahaha.FUN.

but i guess i'd have to really "pull up my socks"

hmm never liked that expression.or socks.

ok that's just a really brief outline of the highlights.

i'm so tired i could.erm.sleep.

so sleep i shall.

KRAZYKRUMPETS.

2006-12-01T01:19:00.000+08:00

mom called last night amidst my studying.
she said to forget about my previous papers and to do my best for the rest.
and that she's praying.oh and to sleep early.
that is enough reason for me to study.

but i didnt sleep early.
nor did i do my best.

today's papers were.
brilliantly awfull.if i can say that.
i've never felt so confident about failing before.
well there's really no odds for betting since i hardly did ANY question.
still.some ppl owe me ice cream and food.
see.when i say i'm gonna screw up, i mean it.
i'm not like those ppl who'd freak out over several questions.
if i thought the paper was alright and that i didnt do too badly.
i'd be the first one to say so.
so.try.comfort me.with more than just "no la.."s

my eyes are tired and i'm just.
well.feeling blahish.
looking forward to monday.
at least to 11am on monday.
den it's partypartyparty.
oh and tanning.
i'm whiter den chyi now.

one more to go.

my outsides look cool.
my insides are blue.
cuz everytime i think i'm through.
it's because of you.
i try different ways.
but it's still the same.
cuz at the end of the day.
i've got myself to blame

i'm just trippin'

2006-11-25T16:13:00.000+08:00

reading week.
we were supposed to read.
oh wait.study.
apparently we have exams.
WHILE ALL THE ALEVEL PPL ARE PARTYING.
yes i am sour.

well.didnt do much studying to be honest.
couldnt overcome the high activation energy.
as would a science person say.
SERIOUSLY.
wad am i doing in science.

so friday was a good day.
not good friday.
but yea.
tkgs 4e1'04 had a gathering!
and more than 4 ppl showed up this time!
am proud:)
went to sarah's aka SS rep house at NINE AM.
and we dont understand the concept of TOO many pictures.
they're up: http://photobucket.com/albums/y277/sterrr/tkgs4e104/
i love how we're still so comfortable.
prap and srap came to my hse after.

farah=prap
sarah=srap

they were supposed to help me with chem cuz apparently i had an exam the next morning.
somehow we ended up dancing.
curling hair.
and painting nails.
ultimate stress relieving session.

i remember the really crazy things we did.
how we made it to channel 5 news.
we had the best times ever huh.
and we turn out alright.right?
nothing's fun anymore.
what have i been reduced to?
(errr.alcohol??SHUDDUP STER)

anyway.
reality slapped HARD when they left me to my books.
bloody organic chem
i mean half the things i'm supposed to have already known from jc i dont.
because i was in VIETNAM.
and i really dont have ANY motivation to study.
what's the point you tell me.
i have no interest in science or any career linked to it.
just gimme my degree damnit.

came back from chem test.
it's over and that's all that matters.
go ahead.i dare you to ask me how it went.

4 more to go...

2006-11-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

ok i have no money.
none.nil.ziltch(is that a word?)
cab here cab there.
and it's not like i want to.
i HAD to.
serious.
1)HUGE boxes i had to deliver to my friend's hotel.take cab.
2)HUGE boxes i had to bring back from my friend's hotel.take cab.
3)BIG BIG rain and no shelter to church for cell.take cab.
4)LATE and no more transport.take cab.
5)LATE for sch but i didnt want to miss my 8am lecture which mind you, i could have skipped.take cab.

sunday was a good day.
made me feel.
good.
good friends.company.
good dance competition.
GO BLAST!
they won see:)
good studying.

today isnt a very good day.
because i know tomorrow will be a bad day.
test tmr.

EXAMS ARE NEARING.
help me please someone.
or you might never see me in nus ever again.
which i hope saddens some of you.

OK enough esther go study you bum.

i miss you minhui.

2006-11-11T02:05:00.000+08:00

looking to the sky above
wonder how my life has changed
wonder how Your love
it came to me.

i look at myself.
the clothes that i wear.
the way i laugh and joke.
trying so hard to be the person everyone says i am in friendster testimonials.
noone uses friendster anymore.do they?
so it's a facade?
but really.
i am like what they say.
i love bringing joy to others.
so what is this?

if i'd managed to make someone genuinely smile, laugh.
comforted.reassured.cared for.
that would be a fulfilling enough day.

but please dont expect it of me.
i too would like to be that someone.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT

anytime i dont know what to do
i will cast all my cares upon You.

2006-11-10T01:34:00.000+08:00

first trip to vivo.
and i'm no longer a loser.
NB:i do have a life.i do.
cant say i'm very much impressed though.
just the way i'd expected.
why go then?i hear you ask.
just to get out.
and i got to hang out with a friend!
which always makes me happy.
it's like the coffee i'd always have to pour in my jar.
*it's got to do with an email my mom sent*

i miss my mom.
she's cool.
i miss my dad too.
he's cool.
and i miss korkor.
he's way cool.
here's to the coolest family.

it is sad to realize that i've got my priorities mixed up.
and even more so upsetting to know i'm not doing much to correct it.

i've been thinking.
i'm sure i'm in NUS for a reason.
God put me here.
dont think it'll be to waste 3 or 4 years.
or to have me kicked out this sem.
that would be.
purposeless?what a word.

the a/c is fixed.
i fall asleep faster.

just when you think you're in control
just when you think you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll
here it goes again.

2006-11-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

would you still look at me the same if i was from a family of lower income?
would you still behave the same around me if i was a college dropout?

you wouldnt.
so to remain the status quo.
i shall study hard to remain in a place i dont exactly love,
doing things i loathe more so.

because i dont have any other choice

2006-10-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

see, emotions cloud the mind.
makes you funny.
so dont feel.

but we cant.
i've decided deep down,
we're ALL emo pricks.
yes, pricks.
try telling me honestly that you dont want someone who'd just.
be there.
well more than just be there of course.

AH SHUDDUP ESTHER.

ok i'd like to just have fun.
not have a care in the world.
and dance.
with no worries.
with friends.
real friends.
but right now it seems being happy isnt a priority.
it's not something i should wish for.

but there's joy.

if i lay here.
if i just lay here.
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

let's waste time.

2006-10-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

finally able to do what i wanted.
learn how to dance.

just that every blast practice.
feels like i'm not good enough.
not fast enough.
and den there's all the other stuff to think about.
studies mainly.
i'm not going anywhere with regards to studying.
i know i should.
but dfvnad;lvjnasdl;kvjnuasdjvn.
den my brother so plainly puts it.
[dont dance.waste time.study instead.
why practice dancing at home.
there's a time for dance prac in sch.]
seems like they still dont get it.

time management, you say?

hmm.

just let me dance

2006-09-23T23:41:00.000+08:00

i hate how i get so emotional

evangelism:
half the time it's me trying to rationalize something so obscure.
i do like debates.
den i wonder why i do it.
to convince myself?
cuz quite frankly more often den not i'm left speechless.
frustrated.
yet at the same time that's when i feel the most certained.
convicted.
den there's this part of me that just wants to break down and cry.
about what i dont know.
just seems everytime i say something the more distant and closed the person gets.
so i wanna cry.
it's like knocking on someone's door.
they dont open it.
but the more you knock.and the harder you knock.
the more they'd refuse to let you in.
am i doing it wrong?

i wish i had the answers.
but i probably have more questions den you.
i'm sorry i've probably led you back to square one.
but this i pray.and sincerely hope.
that you dont close your doors to God.
and you give me a chance to find answers we both ask.

because i just know He's real.

2006-09-20T22:48:00.000+08:00

It's times like these you wanna beat yourself up and scream.

i've missed lectures and tutorials.
not doing tutorials.
not following lectures.
and not studying.or reading up.
which is bad.
i know wad i should do.
but i dont.
i'm paul-ish.

today's the first day of blast practice.
my gosh.
everyone's so good.
as in they all seem to catch the steps.
and bloody remember them.
it was fun.sure.
but stressful nonetheless.
i'm sure i can dance.if i had time to process.
but we dont get that.

and den there's this struggle.
to quit being oversensitive.
or think too much.
or get my hopes up.

cuz it just wont happen.

2006-09-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

i've bumped into him during a couple if separate occassions.
eye contact.
i mean i'm not looking.
and he's probably attached.

yesterday he said hi.
asked if i needed help with my laptop.
and den he smiled.
i refused of course.didnt want to look desperate.
we made small talk all the way home.

today he waited at the stop i boarded the mrt.
said he was hoping to see me there.
i had told him i would end arnd the same time as the day before.
so we talked again.
about opinions.about music.about fate.
we have a lot in common.
he walked me home this time.
and den he shook my hand and said he hopes this is the start of a great friendship.

who ever said i had to blog about things that were true?
i'd like to live in my own little world please.
i blogged this so that if one day it happens i can go:
refer to my previous blog.
and
I TOLD YOU SO.

2006-09-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

minhui:i miss you.
friday night was SHUT UP & DANCE.
h000000000t stuff.
and den at the split second.while watching.i thought.
i'm part of them now?
but i'm so different from them.
i dont have those kinda clothes they wear.
and i'm nowhere as hot as those girls.
much less dance as well as them.

cargo isnt me.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain.
You're always crazy like that.
I watched from my window, always felt I was outside looking in.
You were always the mysterious one withdark eyes and careless hair
you were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, you got nothin to say
besides some comment on the weather

2006-09-05T21:36:00.000+08:00

Lecture scenario: ivan is sitting to my right. Fighting huiting for a pen he claims is his.
Janice is to my left msging someone.
jiesheng is doing something on his com.
tim is trying to do something on his com.
everyone else is trying to pay attention.
basically uni is hard getting used to when you're always confused.
and a mac book can be distracting :))

so to make sure we all know the basics(i havent spoken to many in awhile)
-sch has started
-majoring in life science
-got into NUS dance blast!(a hiphop dance group)

and den more ramblings..
i want to:
a)meet my girls
b)understand wad's going on lectures
c)read up on my subjects
d)meet the tk ppl
e)go to the beach
f)shop
g)movie
h)sleep

now for blogging proper(though i've yet to come across the definition of a proper blog):
i love my family.really.and i'm grateful.
they support me.most of the time.they care.
but at times they dont seem like they do.
and it's frustrating.
i dont try to make them understand.
they're stubborn you see,like me.
they dont want to understand i think.
they dont care that dance means more to me den they think.
"it's not practical"
they dont care that i want to help with sci fac.
"it's a waste of time"
and it's hurts that they dont know.dont know things that matter most to me.
i hate how they form preconceived ideas.how they think my opposing views must be wrong.
i hate how they think they know everything.that they're always right.
but it's ok.
as long as they think so.as long as they dont know.
den everything will be alright.
so, everything alright.

2006-08-14T18:42:00.000+08:00

it would do no justice to put down in words the emotions on rag day.
still.

i recall how bothered i was bout what my other friends from outside of nus thought about rag.
about me joining rag rather.
and how much i wanted to make them understand.

we lost.
we cried.
we comforted.
we cheered.
together.
and still i wish all my other friends could have been there.

the cutting.marcheing.
the strenuous warmups.
the tiresome dance practices.
the prata.
the stayovers.
the frustration.
the determination.
the drive.
the pain.
the tears.
the joy.
the pride.
the unity.identity.
the passion.
the laughs.jokes.
the friendships.

i didnt understand.
but now i do.
and i dont intend for everyone else to.
it's something special we raggers share.
we belong.

to all the raggers: i truly thank you for letting me be part of this.

simin: dont worry dear, we'll always keep in contact.
alan: ah pek!you'll always be our mat brudder.thanks for the laughs.
cheryl: thank you so much for sharing and encouraging me.
tim: thank you for capturing some of the moments in video.and being yourself.
nicole: all that gossip!heh.see you around yea.
isabel: thanks so much for being patient with us!
shuyi: your determination is so encouraging.
xiuqing: crazy girl!thanks for setting time apart from your busy schedule to join us.
janice: my fighting partner!smile!!!
fiona: thank you for all your funny expressions!eat more please.
leo: sorry for being so heavy!and i think you did a great job.thanks!
jenna: dancing queen!it's great how you're always watching out for us freshies.thanks.
aikheng: ken!thank you for being so honest.korkor!
joanna: you really managed to step it up!congrats!
sab: you know you'll ALWAYS have me as a friend ok.
jiesheng: 21!what more can i say?it's just great that you joined dance.
huiting: peepurrr!thank you my indian friend.
ivan: all the best for the peegant.and see you in lectures!
ky: thanks for the rides!and your commitment.it's encouraging.
alvan: i wont ever forget your van mat brudder!
lileng: i love your individuality.thanks for great warmups!
lina: it's always great being around you.especially at the float side!
meilan: thank you for your patience, guidance and care.we couldnt have done it without you.
cedric: you're a role model.and thank you for putting in so much effort and time into it.
leron: you're presence is enough support.thanks for your encouragement.
matthew: thank you for everything.really.you care you care!:)

2006-08-02T00:49:00.000+08:00

matriculation day
i'm officially an undergrad at NUS.
yay?yay.
let's see.
getting:
a laptop.
new phone plan.
debit card.
most probably joining:
dance blast(if i make it through auditions).
science club(if i can).
and something tt'll get me the team nus jacket(if i've got time).

major
erm i'm supposed to have figured it out by now.
and plan modules.but well.i havent.
life sciences or chemistry?
does it really matter?
i mean i probably end up taking a career path tt's got nothing to do with science.
wanna do masters in business for goodness sake.
this annoys me.confuses me actually.and tt's why i'm annoyed.
pointless.i know.
a little guidance please.

rag
the dancers i guess are feeling a little.well.tired?
it's practice after practice everyday now for the whole day.
starting tmr it's night practices too.which goes into the AMs.
it's frustrating having to repeat it over and over again and just not get the standards we want.
and we're all trying.it's not easy.
but i'm sure we all want this bad enough.
so here's to the dancers:we've come this far.and we'll go all the way.
the float looks good.but falling behind schedule.
let's hope everything will turn out alright.
got them cool costumes done too.
(:

AOB
yes i know i havent been around you guys very much.
and yes i know people change.
and yes again i know i shouldnt be selfish and blame it all on you guys.
but there're so many of you.and one of me.
at least bother to tell me what's happening with yourself.
even if you dont wanna know what's going on in my life.
sure you may have your perception of the science fac culture.
you may not appreciate the uni activities.
but please dont expect me to feel likewise.at least not anymore.
and really.what do you know.
it hurts bad when i dont get your support.
especially because it's you bfec guys.

please make me care.
cuz right now.
i dont.

2006-07-24T00:11:00.000+08:00

hmm.

we've all got problems.
but i think it's all because we're self-centered.
really.think about it.
we're upset because something doesnt go our way.
something doesnt make us happy.
something we want,we dont get.

so i figure i'll have to be less selfish.

next problem:easier said than done.

anyway.
this is just for rachel wong ruiqing.
i havent forgotten you.
you'll always be part of he[x].
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.

back to less philosophical issues.
rag.yupp.it's still on.
it will be till 12 august.
do come and support.
msg me or tag for details.

i must say i'm enjoying every bit of it.
sure i'm half dead most of the time.
and i dont get to see as much of my other non nus friends as i'd like.(was great bumping into you, minhui)
but still.i guess it's this sense of satisfaction only ragger can understand.
this fierce sense of loyalty and unity.
this sense of belonging.
funny how not too long ago everyone,myself included,doubted that i could fit in.

[mampos.i jatuh into a longkang sial.wad only.]

2006-07-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

People Envy Your Energy

You've got the drive and determination to keep your life in order, and you are on track to be a huge success.
People tend to envy all you've got in life, but they don't understand the work that goes behind it!

What Do People Envy About You?

hmm you agree?

2006-07-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

pictures from scamp:-

sentosa/doing what we do best.act cute.before battle games/told you we were better off acting cute.us Isis girls convinced snrs to take pictures with random authentic jap sch girl.glammed up for "cruise" dining and momo

here's what i've been up to lately:

rag dance.rag float.rag costume.rag dance.rag float.
err.ya.that's it.

7.40am-wake up.hopefully
9.30am-dance prac at nus.which starts with crazy warmups.
1pm-lunch.cedric our dear leader warns us not to eat too much.
2pm-dance again.or help with float if it's a half day.
4pm-finish dancing.help with float.
6pm or till after dinner-bloody long ride home.

you'd think doing that every week day would kill.
it does.
but i guess again it boils down to the people.
they're different.not my usual crowd i guess.
hex is embarrassing.loud.crazy.blunt.wild :))
church ppl are plain lame and always laughing.
nus ppl are.just different.
but great friends all the same.
let's hope we get to know each other better(so i could shut up once in awhile without them thinking i'm sick)
let's hope to know more ppl.freshmen preferably.

ohoh.mambo was fun :))
again?heh.
i'll go learn the steps and stand next to white tee girl on the podium the next time.

[i was dying inside to hold you
couldnt believe what i felt for you]

2006-07-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

you think i place way too much importance on reputation?
you think i'm fiercely loyal to friends?
maybe i could be more selfish?
maybe i'm already very self-seeking?
you might think i'm way too young?
too loud?
too liberal?
why am i always confused?
why do i always want things i dont get?
perhaps i ask too many questions.
you think i think too much?

i think so.
but there's really so much to think about.
dont you think so?

2006-07-08T13:21:00.000+08:00

the things we do at science.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwgnZF3U61o&search=keep%20your%20banana%20campaign

there went the first week of spending every single day at nus.
and one night too.
been preparing for this rag competition thing.
dancing.cutting cardboard.and so on.
let's not forget traveling for freaking 1.5 hrs.
single trip.

my shoulder's bruised.my muscles are killing me.my butt broke.
but i guess it's all good.i mean i'm bonding with them ppl.
although i forget they're all older than i am.
then again i usually hang out with older people.
whatthehu.

so i suppose my view of sci fac has changed.

but being noisy/cheerful/crazy/loud is starting to wear me down.
let's just hope one day i'd get to be the real me there.

2006-07-02T23:20:00.000+08:00

just for you ian, the library part:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LdgdBOTUSqg&search=japanese%20funny%20show

2006-07-02T01:15:00.000+08:00

after getting proper sleep.i'm here to blog.
this is also due to this post camp syndrome thing.
anyway.here i go.

science camp.scamp for short(much better sounding as well).
didnt think much bout it.reluctant really.after wad everyone was telling me.
"they all speak chinese!""they're all nerds!""you cant possibly fit in!"
so guess i was pleasantly surprised that it didnt turn out so bad.
yes they mostly spoke chinese/hokkien.
no they're not all nerds.you'd be surprised to find countless of ah bengs there.
and since when have i ever fit in.i stand out.cant help it.HA.

hmm.highlights.
sentosa beach games.cuz by then my og(Isis) was more or less bonded in some sense.
oh fright night.stupid old changi hospital.i shall post the footage if i get a chance.
valerie(my closest og mate)and i were made famous.
and erm.mass dance!tt was funny.
cruise dining.more like chinese junk.
momo.was.embarrassing.i shouldnt drink anymore.
ohwell.i guess i did enjoy myself.and kinda miss them friends i've made.
i'll try get pictures up.

but please slap me if i start speaking funny.

let's go science fac.it's time our cheena nerd reputation changed.

"no horse run"

2006-06-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

and so i compose an entirely random and boring entry because i am restless and chyi says i should blog.

to pick up where i left off.
snow at butter factory was.interesting.
-na:your.erm skills.are.good.yes.
-laipeng:try not to puke on me next time
-yiling:guilty eh.haha.
-nicky:couldnt thank you enough
-mark:your dance steps are pimpin!
-tim:sleep somemore!
-ian:thanks for looking after our bags!
seriously.couldnt have wished to spend my first time(in singapore)with anyone else.
friday night?

staying over at na's was also good.very good in fact.
kopitiamed till 6 was it?talked and talked.
i like how we can never be too honest with each other.

hmm following that day i basically spent almost every other day with chyi.
so much so we're actually getting bored with shopping.
though we did get really cheap stuff!:)
shoes for $5.levi's for $20.
grandma bought me a hair styler:)

but now i'm starting to feel like i have to make sure i dont turn into an ah lian.
chyi and i have been spending a little too much time at tampines, aka Land of the Lians.
so ways to distinguish and MAKE CLEAR that you're not a lian.
1)wear jeans.branded good quality ones with no designs.preferably not baggy.
2)no "linglinglonglongs".if you wanna accessorize.makes sure it's not excessive.
3)speak proper english.loud and clear.
4)wear fitting teeshirts that dont have weird words on them.
5)dont wear multiple layers of clothes.
6)style your hair!in a fashionable sense.please go easy on hairdye.
7)if in doubt about footwear.stick with heels.not platforms or wedges.nice skinny heels.
8)absolutely no hello kitty or anything that screams ACT CUTE.
9)dont atttract attention(i know this is hard for my girls and i but our reputation is at stake)
10)dont shop at ice lemon tee(if you have to, be discrete:))

any other suggestions.feel free to contribute.much appreciated.

2006-06-14T11:18:00.000+08:00

i havent blogged in ages.
well maybe only since i've come back to singapore.
see,i've been running arnd doing a lot of things that i feel as if it's been a long long time back here.

1)gone back to tkgs for band
2)set up bank account(i know it's late)
3)shopped with chyi(without purchase)
4)went to sentosa with chyi and na(where do all those indians come from?!we touched jumbo the pink dolphin for freeeee)
5)surprised minhui at her birthday dinner
6)GOT INTO NUS SCIENCE!
7)signed up for camps and completed(completing)the relevent forms for NUS(chore!)
8)bbq with the church ppl(apparently i've found my new cell)

it's only been a week but i've got sooo much to do.
1)snow tmr at butter factory
2)hex reunion!
3)get new phone plan
4)STOP gaining weight
5)meet up with pri sch ppl
6)go for all the uni talks and checkups and blablabla
7)watch a movie at cathay
8)get a job

the list goes on.i mean sure i'm here to stay but still.
i've to cram what every regular kid would do in 5 months into 1 month.
see, i'm starting to dread going to nus.
dont get me wrong.i'm delighted to be able to stay here.
but i've heard that the science faculty...
well i'm just the way i am.
loud.
crazy.
wild.
and i dont intend to change.
uni is supposed to be fun damnit.
i guess the ppl at the faculty of science are just gonna have to live it up my way.

2006-06-05T11:58:00.000+08:00

friday night was graduation.
honestly,i didnt think anything about it.
nope,i didnt think i'd miss anyone.
i dont have anything in common with those people.
except maybe our hatred for the school.

after graduation,the seniors went out.
6 of us went to aqua.
didnt think i'd have fun cuz michelle couldnt come.
she broke her toe.
drank quite a bit.2 bottles of...
got a little tipsy.
the other guys came at 11.30?
we were a big group.
i think i got drunk at that point.
crazy night.

but everyone put me in a cab and took care of me.
and yea i guess i had fun when i wasnt thinking.
we met on sunday.after all of us slept on saturday.
laughed about that night.
it was nice.
i might miss them.

thing is,i dont get why it has to wait till everyone's drunk to realize what good friends we all were.
den why did we have to wait till the last day to get drunk.

today andy,the first of us,left for canada.
i'm leaving tmr.
and so this chapter closes.
i'm struggling to feel something.
i guess in a sense it was good that i came here.

but now i'm just lost.
these friends i've managed to remain emotionally unattached to have always been there when i come back whining and sulking from singapore.
when it feels like friends in singapore are all too busy and have moved on with their lives.
at least people were waiting for my return to vietnam.

but i guess in a sense it is good that i'm going back.

to the seniors of 2006:
we'll hook up again.
and maybe not get drunk.
thanks.
rock on.

2006-05-28T22:38:00.000+08:00

a little something my brother shared with me to brighten up my day
but it isnt the whole thing.the funny part isnt in here.
dont know how to do it.but it's at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTHnwiTqsyk
enjoy

2006-05-28T00:12:00.000+08:00

i am the only one who remembers.
or rather i am the only one who still clings on.
thinking about the way things used to be.
the way we used to be.
we could take on the world.and more.
we were a certainty.
it didnt matter what we did.
we could waste time.
because we be together forever.
day was night and night was day.

today i read your blog.
funny how we dont even talk.
baffling how i dont seem to know you anymore.
it was like looking in on someone else's life.
now i cant even really be myself with you.
it just doesnt as right as it did.
sure people change.and we have to move on.
maybe i am naiive enough to believe that "a lifetime's not too long to live as friends."

but who do i blame now?
you?myself?
maybe the distance.
maybe our non-mutual friends.

and what's the point of all this really.
not like anyone would do anything.
and if we did.things would never be the same.
i'm convinced that you wouldnt want it to be anyway.

this goes out to those whom i was once able to, comfortably, talk for hours to or say nothing at all.
especially people from bfec.
i havent forgotten you.
have you?

2006-05-27T15:12:00.000+08:00

do you like mosquito bites?i dont.

my nails feel funny.havent had them long for quite some time now.

i had airflown currypuff from old changkee for breakfast.

a crab used its pincer to puncture my dad's finger today.

i miss laipeng.
i miss sheena.
i miss rachel.
i miss yenchyi.
i miss minhui.
i miss us.

2006-05-26T09:39:00.000+08:00

today's the last day of "school"
next week is senior exam week.
which means i only have one day of school next week.
half a day really.
well excluding graduation on friday night.

somehow.i dont see myself missing anyone here.
yea sure there were good times and what not but still.
i think it be wise if i dont get all too excited about leaving vietnam.
maybe be after snr dinner and party, i'd feel more...sadden.

think think, what will i miss here:
-having drivers
-cheap cheap food(esp jap food)
-manicure and pedicures every week
-ridiculously cheap hairdo and makeup($3!)
-massages every sunday
-very fast internet
-my own big big bed
-my own bathroom
-bargaining for even cheaper earrings, shoes and bags
-half-priced taxi
-free entry into clubs
-free drinks in the clubs
-knowing all the right ppl in the clubs
-manipulating rich friends into buying me things
-taking money right off rich friends
-spoiling my hair for a very low price

i might just miss vietnam.

2006-05-17T14:06:00.000+08:00

i have no inspiration to write.so you'll have to put up with this plain old journal like post.

i did my nails yesterday.and eyebrows.my nails are RED.
i can explain: my prom dress is red.
i would greatly appreciate it if you dont come ask me if i've killed anyone.

so it's been very rushed.need just finished making cards for table games and voting sheets for prom king/queen/prince/princess.
kinda ridiculous since only seniors can be king and queen when there's only gonna be 4 of us.
michelle is not going so i've prematurely concluded that prom's not gonna be fun.
so what if it's at park hyatt?so what if there's good food?
people arent gonna enjoy themselves because they're all too bloody(it's the nails)self-centered/self-conscious/cynical/childish/ignorant/arrogant.

excuse me, it's one of those i-cant-stand-the-ppl-here days.
but den here i am talking about how i cant stand how they accuse everyone else(most likely me cuz i'm the vp of sc [the pres. is korean and so is everyone else])when they dont actually make an effort to have fun, when i'm depriving myself from fun just the way they are.
i suspect tt was not grammatical but howell.you get my point?

i need more time.to do hair.makeup.dress up.get flowers for the king/queen..

4 hours to do all that because prom is tonight.
and i have the time to whine.

BUT I'LL BE BACK SATURDAY!
and come back to vietnam on tuesday...

2006-05-15T11:24:00.000+08:00

read:i'll be back in singapore on the 20th of may till the 23rd.
my number's still the same.

2006-05-08T13:17:00.000+08:00

IT'S OVER.ALL 4 AP EXAMS.
i still have one class, us hist, but whatever.

for people who didnt understand my previous post *ahem*sheena tan bendan:

you may choose to interpretate it in the following ways(again it shows something about yourself.as i've implied 2 posts ago.):

1) try to read between the lines.maybe the punctuation marks represent different personailities and attitudes.and what i'm really trying to say is i dont like people who hold you in suspense just to let you down(comma).i dont like unclear people who dont know what they really want(semicolon).i'm fine with people who get really enthusiastic(i know i do)but just as long as they do it at appropriate times.i also dont like those who think so much,cannot decide for themselves and keep you guessing(the question mark).i do however like people who are silently confident(the period).these are people who are firm in what they believe without having to go all out to prove it to others.they get my respect.

2)maybe you might want to think abstract.extended metaphor that refers to something less concrete.in which case the comma might represent points in your life when you're at a high point but you know what's coming next will be a let down.or when you just dont want to carry on but you know you have to.the semicolon might mean repetitions in your life.like routines you're sick of.unnecessary you deem them.question marks are times in which you just dont know what to do.and there're just so many opportunities.but as many risks.then there is the fullstop.also known as the period.which are like specific periods, moments you're so sure of.times when you knew times were going great.and you didnt have to worry about what would come next or decisions you'd have to make.these become memories i keep.periods i cherish.

3)i'm just plain bored and random.i was also stressed over all the exams.was thinking too much.

2006-05-06T15:24:00.000+08:00

reading sms messages from my dad, i've come to realize the importance of punctuation marks.
without them, the message, which, as established by my previous post, is already ambiguous, would cause even more confusion.take, for example, the phrase "strictly speaking humans are just animals."
interpretation 1: "strictly speaking, humans are just animals."
interpretation 2: "strictly-speaking humans are just animals."
interpretation 3: "strictly, speaking humans are just animals."
interpretation 4: "strictly speaking humans are, just animals."
interpretation 5: "strictly speaking humans are just animals?"
each of these suggests different meanings and attitudes.often,punctuations speak louder than words.

the comma, i do not quite like.it leaves you hanging midsentence, anticipating what might come next.or it serves to make a sentence more complicated and flowery, as if the writer wants to convince you or justify a point.sure it gives you an opportunity to catch your breath in a seemingly endless sentence, but soon you realize that the sentence continues, and that temporary joy you took in having a break midway, becomes a dread because now, you have to keep going to reach the end.commas hold you in suspense and clutter up a sentence.

i have not encountered a more indecisive and confusing punctuation mark than a period suspended above a comma, otherwise known as a semicolon.semicolons just link independent clauses which carry the exact same meaning;it is merely repetition.such repetition is unnecessary;it is redundant.or rather, it suggests that the writer could not decide which sentence was more effective, so he put both down for you to choose which to read or understand.this obscure marking that does not know if it wants to be a fullstop or comma, serves no purpose;it is meaningless.

an exclamation mark!now this mark is exciting, shocking and full of thrill and attitude.what enthusiam it brings with it!but it can also be seen as being demanding, or just plain rude.many people are also misusing this forceful punctuation.when used inappropriately, the exclamation mark produces a rather ridiculous effect!for example, politicians in singapore, during rallies, often use this punctuation at the end of almost every sentence!it is as if they are not convicted of their message that they have to resort to shouting to get a response from the crowd!i would like to believe singaporeans cheer because they agree with the content of the speeches and not because of the mob rule mentality where they shout when someone else shouts.

what about the question mark?we cannot leave that out can we?are you sure?what uncertainty this hook and a dot, of which shape many cannot master in writing, causes.some might argue it offers the mind something to ponder about.but the more you think, the more confused or sidetracked you get.sometimes it is also a show of weakness, of vulnerabilty.we become exposed to temptations and susceptible to injuries.from childhood("grandma, why do you have such big teeth?"--little red riding hood) to youth("will you be my girlfriend?"--playboy) to adulthood("how do you like my hair?"--your mother), the question mark haunts us, doesnt it?

now the fullstop is my favorite punctuation.it's clear.it's straightforward.and it's confident.it signifies the end of a sentence where you truly get to stop and digest the implications of the sentence unlike the deceiving comma.it is precise and definite unlike the confusing semicolon.it oozes with confidence and poise while the exclamation mark fails in desperate attempt.it leaves no room for confusion or uncertainty as does the question mark.yet the fresh new sentence succeeding a period holds so much potential.this extraordinary punctuation generates the life of a passage.the rhythm.the beat.the pulse.interestingly,almost every other punctuation is a modification of a fullstop.the comma is a period with an annoying tail.the question mark is a period with an undefined curve.even the informal sign that means "to be continued" consists of three periods in a row.this simple, humble dot that sits, unacknowledged, at the feet of the last letter of a sentence is in fact, the mother of all punctuation marks.its authority, intensity and power demands respect.

i have made my point.

2006-05-03T14:15:00.000+08:00

everything is ambiguous.

let us examine language.
you might be wondering how language, diction and syntax and all, can be ambiguous when every word can be defined.
indeed every word has a clear and precise meaning.
but take for example, something so direct and clear such as the signs in the subway.
"Dogs must be carried on the escalator."
not to down play anyone's intelligence, i believe we all can interpret the obvious.
but that sentence in itself can stir confusion.
does it mean we have to grab a random mutt in order to ride on the escalators?
a drunk man stumbling over his feet, after stablizing himself, squinting at the sign, may exclaim
"Ah! How true."
some other animal right's activist may be appalled, suggesting that not everyone knows how to handle a mongrel the proper way.or that animals should not be treated as handicaps.

how you understand something has everything to do with what you bring to it

dont blame someone for not seeing things your way, for not understanding you.
we're not you.

make sense of that

2006-04-28T21:04:00.000+08:00

ay!i've got another newer blog!
june!it's so.!.
yes, that's the right expression.."!"
well thanks anyway
and when you're bored you can surprise me by randoming changing my template
just no pink please.

anyway.
noone can quite infuriate me like my dad
annoy.and agitate.would be mom
but dad.frustration and anger.

and so.i have sent the response to cornell
and also the living plan
apparently i've signed up for a roommate.
why i have no idea
i might just kill that person
blessed be her soul

exams coming up.but i dont care

2006-04-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

so i see i have a new blog.
correction, blogskin.
thanks june!

although now noone can see what they're typing on my tagboard.

anyway story goes
i've sent the reply to cornell saying yes i want to be on the waiting list for financial aid.
in other words, i've said yes to cornell.
but do not fret.
we're still waiting for nus.
i'm not the only one who takes forever to reply people.

today, i wrote an essay.about my brother.
it was good.i thought so.
i miss my brother.
his annoying way of making me laugh,putting my life in danger when he drives,making me try colorful drinks,introducing me to the weirdest songs...

It felt like spring time
On this February morning
In the courtyard
Birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said
To make me feel alright
I carried them with me today
Now

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up happy
I wonder why

I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up happy

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

when the sun comes out again....
come out.. come out again...
i will wake up happy...

2006-04-22T18:44:00.000+08:00

snd ao.i mean and so.i shall enlighten oh ye faithful no-life readers of my blog on my day.

first a summary of this week.
t'was a relatively good week.
see how it really works when you expect the worst and anything between that and the best happens.and you're happy with it.
i am not hard to please, eugene.

moving on.today, after a long 3.5 hr calculus test, i had fun.
yes, i had fun, in vietnam.
went bowling with the youth group people.
for them i'm truly grateful.
and den i came home.
i received a letter from cornell.(i had previously had one from a perky student there who loves sandwiches)
this one, however, said that they'd put me on the waiting list for financial aid for international students.and that if i accept that i need not pay the deposit of 400USD.
so i guess it means i'll have to tell them that, yes, i'll be going to your school.
everyone at my school now happily assumes i'm going there anyway.

but i'll still be waiting for nus.hoping.
this is a psychological toil.

i hate mosquitoes.i wish they'd all die.NOW.die.

someone tell me what to do.
should i mentally prepare myself for cornell?
should i still hope that nus would accept me?
should i bathe in mosquito repellent?

decisionsdecisions.

2006-04-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

here's another one of my i'llblogsoiwonthavetorepeatitsomanytimes entry:

university.apparently i'll have to go to one this year.
i graduate this yr.

from all the applications.the only one tt's accepted me that my parents are considering is cornell.
for those who didnt already know.cornell is in Ithaca, NY.
it's ivy league and expensive.and no i didnt get financial aid.
but.we all want me to go to nus.right?
it's cheaper for one.and i'd be closer to home.which is a major factor considering the fact i get terribly homesick.
but.nus hasnt replied me and probably wont till mid may or june.
problem comes in here.cornell wants to know whether i accept their offer by may 1st.
or nus has to tell me.soon.
meanwhile.we make a deposit at cornell.
here's what will happen if nus doesnt accept me and i go to cornell:

simpang is sold.yes.beloved simpang.(i heard the resounding noooooooooooo)
mom leaves dad in viet to work in singapore.(this will break her.and dad)
the family stinges.(we might not know how)
i have to work.and study to try for a scholarship which seems impossible at tt sch.(suicidal rates are high)
i dont get to come back for korkor's wedding.(my mom insists tt i do but.)
i dont get to come back more den once a yr.(tt is if i get to come back at all)
i get to wear a sweatshirt and baseball cap that read cornell.(this i like)
i regret spending all tt money(my parent's money) if i decide to be a housewife.

oh and i get a degree at cornell.

den again it'll force me to grow up.be independent.
and isnt tt fun?freedom?

refer to the previous post on the art of self deception.

what i need now prayers.many many.and a positive reply from nus.

2006-04-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

DENG.

explains the emoness i suppose.

2006-04-10T09:46:00.000+08:00

spring break's over.

and den i wish it hadnt start.

now i'm back to being the wallowinselfpitysomebodysavemegetmeouttahere prick.
went to cambodia.visited the orphanages.it was good.
but i cant help wondering if things would be different had i gone straight back to singapore.
anyway.i went back.not as eventful as i had envisioned.
i'm glad though.
hex:you make everything okay.i smile.not faking it.
minhui:what am i supposed to do without you?thank you.
church peeps:just the fact that you guys are still there for me.means the world.

dont get me wrong.i enjoyed every single moment i spent with my friends and family there.
just that i hadnt planned much.should have.know now not to make ANY decisions that way.

well i've made myself believe all that.i can make myself believe otherwise.
get over it.before you look back and think wad an idiot.waste of time.
should have known better.trusted your better judgement.live by hex's moto.
remain emotionally unattached.mind over matter.

dust it off.in time.

2006-03-26T21:39:00.000+08:00

the true art of self deception.

things could be worse.
it's better this way.
everything will turn out alright.
i'm good.
this is great.
it's all that i've hoped for.

yay.
wee.

ohoh i curled my hair.(thanks joel!heh)
cant wait to get back to singapore(3rd april)
but before tt i'll be going to cambodia.
with the youth grp.and my parents.

hmm.the three longest school days starts tmr.
and i'm procrastinating.
tell you something new huh.

i like cinnamon rolls.

2006-03-18T20:28:00.000+08:00

pictures from my birthday weekend are up on photobucket:
http://photobucket.com/albums/y277/sterrr/surprisesurprise/

ok more pressing matters.
my parents got the phone bill.
i chalk 400 sing.
bad huh.
now where do i get the money to repay them?
i virtually have 2 sing dollars as savings.
any ideas would be considered.appreciate it.
here's one:
those who havent gotten me my birthday gift and who'd like to get me something,
money would be good.seriously.please.

7 more school days.the countdown begins.

2006-03-14T21:26:00.000+08:00

Signs that prove your life is pathetic:

1)you look forward to science fair
2)you get excited when there's a change in weather
3)you visit i-am-bored sites
4)you comment on the screen names of everyone who signs in
5)you download random songs by unknown artists
6)you reread all your msges in your inbox
7)you finish all your homework before dinner
8)you have dinner at 5:30pm
9)you type out a list of things that proves you're bored
10)you run out of things to include in the list mentioned in no.9

2006-03-08T14:17:00.000+08:00

okokok.there's so much tt's happened in sooo little time.

first off.thank you all so much for remembering/caring/bothering.
yes for the slow ones.it was my EIGHTEEN birthday last sunday.
thus i shall blog an entire entry(dont really care if this bores you)about the events leading up to the unforgettable day.5th of march 2006.

wasnt looking forward to it.there's nothing to do here.noone to do things with here.
so yea.i desperately didnt want to spend my friday night alone.
so i decided to ask a couple of girlfriends out.(they didnt realize it was my birthday treat.must be an asian thing)
along i went with my day.half sulking.cuz i had to go back to sch on sat.
den we went to nat's to pick her up..was on the way to pick tessa when..
my driver decides to take a "wrong" turn.
stopping directly in front of SHEENA TAN YEN CHYI.(tt's 2 ppl when the same surname)
after a moment of -STUN-there came the scream.the omgihavetoscreameverytimeiseeyou scream.our scream:)
and i swear noone except the 2 of them in the car knew that i DO talk.a lot.and fast too.

so for the rest of the day and night.i had the ridiculous grin on my face.slapping my friends silly just to make sure they're here.
went to lush(a club of sorts)tt night.with michelle.and of course my girls.
but the highlight was still the fact that they bothered to come all the way here(they were in cahoots with my mother somemore!)spend all tt money(mind you these are stingy idiots who'd kill for 10 cents)just to let me know they havent forgotten my birthday.just to make me smile.

so day one with the girls.after the episode of sheena's "i veh tired," we went to ben thanh market.and bought over 153 shops.or the equivalent.and oh does sheena bargain.
so much so there was a crowd following us.what a spectacle.i had a free hairdo too.
den off to saigon square.and we insisted on taking the cyclos.
BLOODY kena con.i so wanna slaaaaap tt fella.anyway.more shopping.(we took pictures.we can start our own store i swear)den we went for an express pampering session.
permed eyelashes:))did up our hair:))
den our car came to pick us up.WITH LAIPENG IN IT!:)))
i was like acknhvpaidsunvlkdsajvnalskdjnvisdv.
double surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was KERAYZEEEE.
den there was this house party at michelle's(yes.american style)
but tt was screwed.so we ended up at a bar(aqua)
i didnt dream i could spend the first few minutes of my 18th year of life with my girls.
it was wonderful.

happy birthday me on sunday.shopshopshoplaughlaughlaughshoplaughlaugh.
:)
glam time.shopshopshop.we've got a business proposition.heh.
den eat at some weird hour.den FOOT MASSAGE!
damn we're noisy.and laipeng has genital gland problems and sheena has problems with her anus.wuahahahahaha.
monday morning.who needs sch when you've got your bestfriends?
did nails.ooohlala.
and den they were gone.

just like tt.it was too fast.
but it was fabulous when it lasted.
distance doesnt weaken us;it only makes us closer.
i know now who are my comfort.my joy.my constant.my friends.
i cant find the words that quite express feelings that well up in me.
from the moment i saw you guys sitting like toads on the roadside.
till the time you left me, face-pressed against the window at the airport.

grateful.

i love you he[x].always.

2006-02-28T15:03:00.000+08:00

oh i forgot to mention.

it's not official.and i'm not sure if it's good news or bad?
but yea.thank God?yes.

i got admitted into University of Miami.
might get a scholarship too.
but it's not official.
my counsellor's a friend of the admission guy there.
he says it takes one month to process the paper work.
but they're giving me "a positive response".

somehow i'm not as elated as i think i should be.

2006-02-28T09:19:00.000+08:00

okay tis the time for an update.

went to cambodia and back.for MRISA cultural exchange.
MRISA-->Mekong River International School (Association??)
yea so there were schs from all over.namely cambodia, hanoi, hcmc...
anyway.wasnt all tt hyped about it to begin with.
and den the plane ride was 20 min.and crappy.i swear i thought we'd crash.
(yes i know i'm spoilt by SIA)
den we landed.HOT.sweat was literally dripping off of me.
and wad's with the mosquitoes!you'd think one would itch to death.
BUT they had DQ at the airport which was a delightful surprise.

anyway.we went to the sch.met our hosts.
THEY'RE THE BEST.
kazusa,kaori and kanari.
the sweetest things ever.
and gosh their parents are cuteee.
great house.awesome food.
and i guess they were the one who really made a difference.
and i miss them sooooo bad.

i took stomp and musical on stage for my workshops.
stomp was just a bad idea altogether cuz the small kids had no sense of rhythm.
that which i really cannot fathom.i mean why den did you sign up for stomp?!
sorry i AM a percussionist.(i miss perc. inc. '02/'03/'04)
but the musical on stage was grrrreat.we performed a part of grease on the the last night.
pictures are up on photobucket.
http://photobucket.com/albums/y277/sterrr/MRISA06/
enjoy.

anyway.the pool party slash dance was funnnn.
and now we have an official MRISA dance.
thanks to me of course.i mean who else would up with a dance called The Dishwasher.
but it was a whole lot of ridiculous fun.which i happen to enjoy.

all in all.
it was just great.
and like i said it all boils down to the ppl.
kazusa/kanari/kaori/danny boy/tomato boy/josh/mary...
i miss them.

now why the hell cant ppl at my sch be anything like them.
even half as mature as they are.
less selfish.
less proud.
i get frustrated.
and therefore i do not at all look forward to the next few months here.

but i am looking forward to coming home.say in april?
dont worry i'll accept belated birthday presents.thank you.
scroll to the previous post to see what i would like wont you.
oh and i'll be visiting the ppl in cambodia last week of march too.

till den i guess i'll bury myself deep in a shell of i-dont-care-what-you-think-go-away(i'm sure there's a term for tt but i'm too lazy to think)

amuse me.somebody.

2006-02-21T19:54:00.000+08:00

international day.

woke up late.
i was in a mess.and peranakan outfit.
anyway.this is how it works.
the whole sch gathers in the gym(we are few in number).
the principal calls on every nationality there is in the sch.
each having a representative to say a few lines abt the country and den parade arnd the gym.
--
"and for Singapore, we have Esther,...yea just Esther."
it took forever for me to shuffle to the middle in my tight sarong.
and den i went "singapore is small...yes.but we're a multiracial society and we've good food."
den i barely shuffled a quarter-way round the gym(by myself mind you) and the music stopped.

anyway den after came the talentshow.
with no winners.
the equivalents of P6 kids danced.
i refuse to comment.
but noah and his brother did some beatbox thing which i must say was gooood.
and a couple of other performances i just had to cringe.
well before tt the MRISA(cultural exchange) ppl(me included)gave the sch a preview of our own performance tt we'll be performing in cambodia.
which btw i'll be at from tmr till sunday.

so i have to pack later.
they expect me to bring one suitcase for 5 days.
eh right.
and and.i've got a spilting headache.
from the accumulation of lack of sleep.(gosh i suspect tt wasnt grammatical.sue me.)

need to pack now if i wish to sleep at some early hour.
i miss you.

2006-02-19T19:22:00.000+08:00

according to jojolim.
my entries are depressing.

hmmm.somebody got me all emo.
but howell.life's not great as of now.so sorry if you guys dont find yourselves rolling over with laughter while reading my entries.
goodness i'm in vietnam.
enough said.
(joel dont talk to me about chiku juice/fish sauce/pho bo)

okay.well sch is boring.
the ppl are very unlovable let's put it.
but it's only a matter of days(ok months)till i come back.
i hope.
den maybe i'll be going to the states.
dang i need a university to go to.

hanyway.i've been into old songs now.
"land down under"/"buses and trains"/"save tonight"/"africa"
basically songs korkor and i blasted over the radio and sang at the top of our lungs without a care.
oh happy days.
gone.
(sorry joel i cant help it!!!!)

by the way.
i'd like the nokia 6111 or 7370 for my birthday.
or a bag.
money would be good.
ok fine.a call would be great too.

2006-02-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

you'd think i've got it all figured out by now.
got my head in the right place and straightened out.
i know wad i should do.but i'm just not doing it.or rather i'm doing wad i shouldnt.
but sometimes.
especially this time.
i dont really care.
you make me feel.

cny in singapore:
uni applications.troublesome.
i/c.terror.
national skin center.no comment.
visitations.mundane.
he[x] reunion.pure joy.
sneaky sneaky.thrilling.
you.pleasure and pain.

i dont know what i'm doing.
dont know what will happen.
dont have a very good feeling.
dont care.

miss you worse than before.